You Know it's Going to be a Bad Day When...

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

You Know it's Going to be a Bad Day When...

from The JENNIFER REALM

You know it's going to be a bad day when...

your twin sister forgets your birthday.
you wake up face down on the pavement.
you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."
the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed.
your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"
your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get the Test

How Life Really Is
from The JENNIFER REALM

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're okay, you're it.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage before you burn.
If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.

The Seven Habits---The Real Seven Habits---Of Effective Employees
from the Laugh 9 to 5 site

1.Play in the company golf tournament. (Can't be any more frustrating than the job.)
2.Acknowledge top management humor. (Don't count on over exposure to laughter.)
3.Resist the opportunity to be on self managed teams. (The company will still evaluate you on your individual performance.)
4.If there is conflict in your organization be the first to assess blame. (There is no reason for quality inspectors, auditors, and engineers having all the fun.)
5.Do not pad expense vouchers to try to cover the expenses of staff people who ordered exotic wines and insisted that the expenses be shared. (But then don't feel guilty about all the office pens you have at home.)
6.Acknowledge that money isn't as important a motivator as recognition. (However, you might suggest that a bonus would be a nice recognition possibility.)
7.Read the last book on management before your managers attend the corresponding workshop. (That way you will know how to act when they return from training.)

WHY DO YOU WORK?

from the Laugh 9 to 5 site

•To keep Nordstroms in business
•To have a place to leave at noon
•To have access to work related (wink wink) news groups on the internet
•To enjoy the chocolate in the office candy dish
•To learn somewhat useful software.
•To learn updates of somewhat useful software.
•To take out aggression on elevator buttons.
•To be ready for the year 2000.
•To be ready for the big crash.
•So I can transfer to the east coast.
•So I can peddle (Tupperware and girl scout cookies)
•To avoid kids' soccer
•To reduce the country's deficit.
•To have a place to complain about with my significant other.
•To have a place to complain about my significant other.