Business - Computer Humor

Business, Computer and Misc. Humor

sponsor

GOOD DOG / BAD DOG

WORLDS SHORtEST FAIRY TALE...

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?".. The girl said, "NO". And the guy lived happily ever after.. and road motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted ...

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not… Four is larger than two..."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT=2 0SIGHTING#2:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change…

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:

I live in a semi rural area.. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman, KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala..

IDIOT SIGHTING #6:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she r esponded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING #7:

We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING #8:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING #8:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we we re told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side.

This was at the Toyota dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING #9:

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and they VOTE and they REPRODUCE...........

1.  They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
2.  They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
3.  They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
4.  They can take bumps at twice the speed on private cars.
5.  Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to
    be checked nearly so often.
6.  They have a much tighter turning radius.
7.  The floor is shaped like an ashtray.
8.  They only burn the cheapest gas available.
9.  They do not have to be garaged at night.
10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning
    light on.
11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.
12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow
    concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.
13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the
    car is still in forward motion.
14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over
    curbs.  
15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by
    the adjustment of the radio volume control.
16. No security is need. They may be left anywhere, unlocked,
    with the keys in the ignition.

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in
congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented
the following findings:

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured ex actly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, 'Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?'

NASA has just completed work on a new rocket, nicknamed "Civil Servant." It won't work and they can't fire it.

16 Ways to Recognize a Company Car and Why You should consider Buying a Used One!
(if you drive a company car, tell me the following ain't true!)

Job Interview Quotations
A side note - the humorous thing is that people have read the following and couldn't understand these weren't anything but normal responses or statements.

Actual Job Interviewee Statements or Actions

NASA has just completed work on a new rocket, nicknamed "Civil Servant." It won't work and they can't fire it.

16 Ways to Recognize a Company Car and Why You should consider Buying a Used One! (if you drive a company car, tell me the following ain't true!)

Job Interview Quotations A side note - the humorous thing is that people have read the following and couldn't understand these weren't anything but normal responses or statements.

Actual Job Interviewee Statements or Actions

16 Ways to Recognize a Company Car and Why You should consider Buying a Used One!
(if you drive a company car, tell me the following ain't true!)

Job Interview Quotations
A side note - the humorous thing is that people have read the following and couldn't understand these weren't anything but normal responses or statements.