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Business, Computer and Misc. Humor |
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Q: Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? A: Because It Scares The Dog. | ||
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GOOD DOG / BAD DOG |
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Company Cars - Microsoft Built Cars - Job Interview Quotes - Bad Day - How Life is..
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** Quote from a recent meeting: |
Changing lawyers is like moving from one deck chair to another on the Titanic!!
| A dog ran into a butcher
shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher
recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor
happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 . |
1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
4. They can take bumps at twice the speed on private cars.
5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to
be checked nearly so often.
6. They have a much tighter turning radius.
7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.
8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.
9. They do not have to be garaged at night.
10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning
light on.
11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.
12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow
concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.
13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the
car is still in forward motion.
14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over
curbs.
15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by
the adjustment of the radio volume control.
16. No security is need. They may be left anywhere, unlocked,
with the keys in the ignition.
Another auto humor site: The Lighter Side of Motoring
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HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions." |
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"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of
your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
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The Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars: *
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** One project manager to another, |
Job Interview Quotations
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Here's one interpretation of this secret labor code that appears in classified ads, cover letters, and resumes: called "Employer Talk" and you know it's true. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won't answer questions CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover. SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.. DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around. CAREER-MINDED: We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do. ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired. FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5. |
Teacher: Milton, how can you prove
the earth is round?
Milton: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.
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May 05, 2007